Hello Champa

Check out the conversation I had about 15 mins ago with this phone banking agent. This has been reproduced word for word.

Voice: Is this mister Singh?
Mister Singh: Yes.
Voice: Hello mister Singh. This is Champa (name changed – coz I forgot her real name) calling on behalf of HSBC bank.
Mister Singh: Hello Champa.
Voice: Would this be a convenient time to talk to you mister Singh?
Mister Singh: Yes Champa. This would infact be an excellent time to talk to me.
Voice: Mr. Singh, since you are a valuable customer of HSBC bank, we have some special offers for you.
Mister Singh: Oh really! How nice. Pray tell me about them.
Voice: Before I talk to you about the offers, I would like to confirm if you have credit cards from any other bank apart from HSBC.
Mister Singh: No. I don’t. I am very satisfied with the service provided by your bank.
Voice: The first offer is regarding balance transfer to other credit cards. We are offering this feature on very low interest rates.
Mister Singh: Hello?? Hello?? I can’t hear you Champa. Hold on…
Voice: Hello?? Mister Singh? Can you hear me?
Mister Singh: Hello?? Hello?? Oh the signal is really weak here. Let me move to a different place. Hello?? Can you hear me Champa? Don’t hang up.
Voice: Hello?? Mister Singh?
Mister Singh: Hello?? Yes I can hear you now. Go ahead.
Voice: As I was saying, we have 2 offers for you. The first offer is regarding balance transfer to other credit cards. We are offering this feature on very low interest rates.
Mister Singh: Oh. How nice. But I just said that I don’t have any other credit cards.
Voice: Oh! Right. Okay mister Singh. Our other offer is regarding HSBC credit cards. We are offering you up to 3 more cards absolutely for free.
Mister Singh: You mean I don’t have to pay after I use them?
Voice: No no no no!!! You don’t have to pay any yearly rental or initial charges.
Mister Singh: Oh! But Champa, what will I do with 3 more credit cards?
Voice: Well mister Singh, you could give them to your family members.
Mister Singh: But Champa, I am a bachelor.
Voice: But you could give them to your parents or brothers and sisters.
Mister Singh: But they already have Credit cards, Champa.
Voice: I see. Anyways, thank you for your time mister Singh.
Mister Singh: No problem Champa. Hope to hear from you again about more offers.
Voice: (click)
Mister Singh: (laughing.....)

I can’t help wondering why I hadn’t written about this topic till now. These calls irritate me like few other things do. And I am sure many of you share my feelings. I have tried everything from politely saying “No thank you” to rudely hanging up the phone – but nothing seems to be helping. So finally I have discovered this new way of handling such calls which serves three purposes. Let me explain.

As you can see from the conversation pasted above, this call must have taken at least a min- min&half , as opposed to 10-15 secs had I said no in the beginning. Now these calls are costing these banks money. How much money – is up to you and me. Here is my theory-
There are a billion people in this country. Assuming 50% of those fall in the age group of income-earners. Assuming 10% of those fall in the category of middle-class, upper middle class salaried or self-employed people. Assuming only 10% of those have a credit card. This comes out to be 5 million people. I receive on an average about 2 calls per day from these banks. So this comes out to be 10 million calls/day. Assuming you make each call last a min longer than it normally does, and at 30 paisa/ min, this comes out to be 3 million rupees/day. That’s more than 1 billion Rs / year !!!
That’s a huge amount. So, just by bull-shitting the bank agent a little longer, you can cut a hole in the evil corporate bank’s pocket to the size of a BILLION rupees. That’s huge man. For 2 min of bull-shitting per day!!!

Now comes the second angle to my theory. I really feel sorry for these call center agents. I genuinely do. I would hate to do a job like that. Talking to irate customers all day long-man that’s gotta suck!!! I am assuming someone’s randomly monitoring these calls in the call-centre. So if this guys listens in to a conversation like I mentioned above, he would think – ‘Ah! Here’s a satisfied sounding customer. I am sure the agent is doing a good job. I must recommend her for a raise”.
Needless to say, this will cut another hole in the bank’s pocket.

Finally having a conversation like this makes me smile for at least 10 mins. I think that alone makes it worth it.

Wot say?